Come year’s end, some columnists run out of things to write. This gives rise to lots of “year in review” pieces, whereby ink-stained wretches again pick over all that occurred during the past 365 days.
That’s a cheap trick, and too easy by half.
In this space, we prefer a higher degree of difficulty. Thus, we will not be looking backward today, but forward, offering you a review of the year ahead. Here’s 2019 in a nutshell:
January 14. The Arizona Legislature opens amid controversy when Prescott Republican David Stringer drops a bill declaring “very white” Arizona’s official state color. Admonished by Democrats, who offer a bill declaring the rainbow our state’s “official meteorological event,” Stringer attempts to soften his image by bringing his newly adopted black labs – Amos and Andy – to work.
The gesture backfires when Stringer fails to produce emotional support animal certificates for his pets.
February 3. Scottsdale Community College coed Tiffani L’Amour enters the Guinness Book of World Records after negotiating the 17th fairway at the Waste Management Phoenix Open wearing 11-inch spike heels.
L’Amour, who also has a .44 blood alcohol level, goes viral on Twitter after celebrating with a cartwheel while holding a half-full Pabst Blue Ribbon.
April 9. The Phoenix Suns finish the season with a loss to the Dallas Mavericks. After the game, owner Robert Sarver announces plans to move the team to Seattle.
An hour later, the City of Seattle announces its plan to move the entire city to the state of Nebraska. As Mayor Jenny Durkan puts it: “First we lose the Super Sonics, now we get this guy? Frankly, we’d rather abandon Microsoft to grow corn.”
May 17. Local TV station Fox 10 makes news when it replaces longtime anchorman John Hook with a robot version of Hook. Replicant Hook reads the teleprompter flawlessly and sports double-breasted suits from 1992, exactly like his human counterpart.
Outraged viewers flood the station with complaints, claiming the android lacks Hook’s orange tan and “seems more lifelike than co-anchor Kari Lake.”
July 3. Maricopa County Recorder Adrian Fontes announces he’s finally finished counting ballots from the November 2018 election. Buoyed by his success, Fontes holds a press conference to unveil his “Count By Twos” initiative for 2020.
Says Fontes: “By counting ballots two at time, we can use the same number of abacuses and get the same results in half the time.”
September 8. The Arizona Cardinals mark the franchise’s 100th season with a new advertising campaign: “A Century of Failure!” Bankrupt team sponsor Mattress Firm unveils a new slogan for the occasion – “Laying Down for Everyone” – while Hospice of the Valley offers free grief counseling for Cardinals season ticketholders.
November 3. A year from Election 2020, President Trump announces his candidacy for a second term at the newly renamed Trump Grander Canyon. Having purchased naming rights for one of the world’s natural wonders, the president announces plans to lengthen the 277-mile Canyon by connecting it to Las Vegas.
“Many, many people are saying this new Canyon is the best canyon in the world,” Trump tweets. “Who else improve on what Mother Nature did?” Trump denies “fake news” that he plans to make the canyon into the world’s largest TopGolf facility.
December 23. Local columnist and avid golfer David Leibowitz records his first-ever hole in one at Castles N’ Coasters. The achievement is later invalidated when it’s revealed Leibowitz cheated by using a $500 Scotty Cameron putter during his round.
Ashamed, Leibowitz announces plans to join the Seattle Nebraska Suns out on the Great Plains.
May you and yours have a great holiday. And may none of this stuff actually come true.
David Leibowitz has called the Valley home since 1995. Contact firstname.lastname@example.org.